It’s been a struggle. So many years; trying to be positive. Upbeat. To just drive through and overcome. Living with health issues while caring for my family. Home Schooling even while I grapple with chronic pain. I’ve done it for so long, I many times doubt most even realize what I suffer with. I don’t want to be the whiner. I don’t like being a failure. But, that is what I feel right now.
You see, last year I was declared “Able to work” even though my brain tumor did not cure itself. I still have nerve pain. I still grapple with migraines. I had overcome quite a bit and I was quite proud of this fact. I think I did well, considering. But, I always chafed at my limits. I always wanted to overcome them and soar above where I’ve found myself frequently stuck. It did not help that over the past year things got tighter and tighter financially, adding stress to the situation. Where once I felt I had found a sort of balance, I was starting to feel off-kilter.
I tried various ways to supplement our income and it just never seemed enough to accomplish our goals, such as buying the house we are in. I feel like I am capable of so much, but many times I simply can not see how to apply it. Yet again, I stepped up to try and do something. Thinking I could figure it out and make it through. Yet again, I feel as if I failed to succeed. I spent the last 3 weeks sick (I have a weak immune system) and trying to work a new job. I tell myself (and others) that if I was not sick I might have handled it better. Or maybe if the proper procedures were followed, I could have gotten through even while sick. But, it sure would have been nice to not be sick while having procedures followed properly in the workplace. I felt I was destined to fail. Was it me? Was it them? Was it both? Probably a bit of both if I try to be frank.
You see, I don’t write this blog to tell others “what to do”. I write it because, I can’t be the only one out there struggling to find their place in this world while trying to be not only a good mom or a good wife, but to reach my full potential. So, maybe there are others out there having this same struggle. Trying to make ends meet while struggling with a chronic condition as they home school their children. At the very least, maybe my posts help them not feel alone?
This is my story, though. Some will judge me harshly for my failures and short comings. Others will think I am great for doing all I have done even with my limitations. But, in the end, I so despise feeling like I failed yet again. And I know, I’ll keep looking for where I fit. Where I can succeed. Where I can shine my light to the world as Jesus asks of us.
Until next time.